Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”