Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I love wikipedia
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
B: They. I mean they
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic