Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.