Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit