[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
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You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background