we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
why isn’t he texting back
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: … V-Verizon.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.