@Cpin42

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

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@FredTaming

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

@AnOrangeSNES

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@batkaren

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

@FlorkOfCows

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

@Cpin42

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

@BruceForce

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.