@FredTaming we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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@FredTaming 
@AnOrangeSNES FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
@thejessbess I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
@badkuthi69 why isn’t he texting back
@batkaren HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
@FlorkOfCows I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
@OhNoSheTwitnt I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
@TheCatWhisprer Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
@Cpin42 When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
@BruceForce Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.