[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids