[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.