[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?