M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.