M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
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Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Fight
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia