M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
thank god
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.