M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
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Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.