M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?