M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
You Might Also Like
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.