M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
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Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.