M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
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And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche