M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
scares
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.