M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal