M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Peace was never an option
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.