Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Easy enough.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony