Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go