Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
He took my last fry, your honor
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins