MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Anyone really
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*