“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
They’re the worst 😩
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school