@ginnyhogan_

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

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@Ygrene

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

@ElgatoEsmio

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@JoBearParker

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

@paul_lander

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

@yayalexisgay

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years