Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.