Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)