Mad Max Arctic Road
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The honesty is refreshing
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.