Mad Max: Furry Road
You Might Also Like
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
me before I type out affect or effect