Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
😏😏😏
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Breaking news:
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
