Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
You Might Also Like
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The glory of fall.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.