Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo