Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers