Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”