Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work