Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…