Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Always…
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
This will never not be funny to me.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.