Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation