Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
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I can’t be the only one 😂
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.