@AllTheUglyTruth

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

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@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@better_off_dad2

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

@PaperWash

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

@AndyAsAdjective

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

@Just__J0

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way