Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
what
How do you milk an almond?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair