It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way