Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
You Might Also Like
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.