Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?