Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
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[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.