Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
And bowling should be called pinball
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again