Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
those birds must be on payroll
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
mariah carrie
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?