Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over