Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
You Might Also Like
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Finished stitching this today 😇
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared