Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.