[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
i think both sides are to blame here
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank