MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one