Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

You got this…

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.