MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical